Father, it's been 21 days since my last blog.........

Well it's been awhile but due to my tireless dedication to perfection in the fields of fatherhood and husbandry there has been very little time to share my thoughts with you via the inter-web.

BLOODY HELL!!!!!  My nose just pushed the computer monitor off the desk!

Anyway what's been "going down" as they say on "the street" since my last blog?  Well, "the street" made  an unsavory advance into my middle-class world when some yoof tagged my house!  Does this mean Mr. RSK has laid claim on my crib?  If so he'd better start chipping in with bills and whatnot.  So to save any confusion regards ownership I bought some graffiti remover from B&Q and scrubbed the thing off.

The point this incident raises is that I'm not anti graffiti as long as it's good and has some artistic merit.  Tagging is little more than writing "I WAS 'ERE" on things, and as my mate Leroy pointed out it would have been much funnier to wake up and have had someone paint a huge comedy knob on the front of my house.  You know the one I mean; two big balls, a few pubes and a bit of wee coming out the end.

But lets not dwell on this, I've also been on holiday.  Which was nice.

The nicest thing about this holiday was the fact that someone else did all the cooking.  Don't get me wrong I love self catering but there is nothing more annoying than spending an hour cooking for your kids a meal which they decide not to eat and then decide they want fish fingers.  But you don't have fish fingers and have no way of getting them because the cottage you've rented is nestling on a remote Welsh hillside (well it will be if I've booked it), so the "holiday" becomes more of a change of scene with added complications.

No such problems on this holiday there was food aplenty both in terms of choice and quantity, in fact so much food that my calorific intake was enough to make Big Daddy wince.

For me the culinary highlight of the week was a Bread and Butter Pudding with Cornish Clotted Cream but it wasn't the light moist pudding that made this so wonderful, it was the size of the portion of clotted cream.  There is nothing more depressing than ordering a dessert which is accompanied by clotted cream and then receiving a pathetic thimble size portion.  In this case the portion of clotted cream was bigger than a tennis ball and every mouthful of pudding could be enjoyed with a healthy dollop.  If you are unclear by what I mean by "healthy dollop" check below that you are experiencing the following sensations as soon as you but the spoon in your mouth;

1. Orgasmic dilation of pupils.
2. Tightening of the chest.
3. Possible tingling feelings in your arms.   

Well that's enough guff from me for tonight, I'm off to strap on my sleeping girdle to prevent my man boobs from hanging out of the bed.

Good night and good luck.

A Musical Adventure with Breakfast Preserves

Nearly every Saturday the same thing happens, we get up, go to the kitchen for breakfast and turn on the radio.  But on Radio 2 on a Saturday at 7 am is Brian Matthew's "Sounds of the 6O's", a show where for every good song played you have endure nine crap ones.  All the bands are called things like "Rinky, Dinky and Stinky", "The Colin Shine Experience" or "The Happy Campers" and the songs have titles like "Doo Woop Didi Didi Doo Woop Bop", "You're My Lollypop" or "Baby, Please Don't Leave Me".

To make matters worse then there are Brian's links, which showcase his seemingly inexhaustible knowledge of anyone who went within 20 feet of a guitar during the sixties -

"So  that was "Plop Goes the Weasel" with their 1964 hit "Bing Bang Bong".  That song was released 34 times in that year by various artists and was originally written and preformed by "Eric Gravy and the Cardigan Express" and reached number 84 in the charts.  But we've decided to play "Plop Goes the Weasel's" version because Doris Jenkins of Bridgend vaguely remembers it after she received a sharp blow to the head that very same year."

Surely if a song has been released numerous times by various artists and despite all that effort is still only a very minor hit you are in serious polishing a turd territory, so why are you choosing to play it again now in 2010!  50 years later!  The majority of these songs aren't fine wines and are certainly getting no better with age.

I guess all this begs the question, why not just change the station?  Laziness, habit and the fact that in every show there is always a gem.  A fantastic track you would have never heard without wading through the other 1 hour 58 mins of familiar hits and total arse or as in the case of today's show a band name so brilliant it brightens your whole day.  Ladies and gentlemen I give you (thanks to Mr Brian Matthews and the Sounds of the 60s) - THE PEANUT BUTTER CONSPIRACY!!!!!!!!!!!

Lessons Learnt

I am now 34 years old, so I've decide to take a moment to reflect on what important lessons I have learnt about myself and life in general over this time.

1. NEVER eat anything bigger than you're own head.  If I were to pass on only one piece of advice to my children it would this.

2. Goodfellas is my favorite film.  You may not agree with this choice, but within the confines of this blog you are wrong.

3. I look a bit like a film star.  Unfortunately it's Ethan Suplee.  Who I hear you cry!  Well he's most famous for playing the part of redneck simpleton Randy Hicky in the Channel 4 series My Name is Earl.  The likeness was first noticed by work colleagues, but I only really excepted it as a reality when a group of teenage boys started shouting "Hey, Earl!" at me in a slow redneck drawl when I was shopping in town.

4. Listen to your heart, but not in a soppy Hollywood movie type way.  If you meet someone and think they're an arse then they probably are.  This is a harsh example of my point but I think we've forgotten how to use our instincts, you often make the right decisions very quickly but change your mind because of things like politeness or worrying what others will think.

5. Buying films on DVDs is a waste of money.  I have to admit my Dad was right when he'd question how many times I'd watch the 100 or so films I had on VHS as a teenager.  The truth was once, maybe twice for all but a very select group of films.  Lovefilm is much more sensible option.

6. If you loved the film Highlander as a kid DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES watch it now as an adult.  I made this mistake and it revealed itself to be pile of badly made and (worst of all) boring shite (apart from the Queen soundtrack).  Happy childhood memories shattered.

7. Walk.  Walking is ace.  It doesn't have to be up a mountain (although that is the best kind), it can be anywhere.  When you walk you have chance to see and explore things you'd simply whizz past in a car, for example in Bristol there is a public toilet under Princes St which is like stepping back in time to the 1930's and you won't know that if you needed a poo whilst driving along that same street.

I may add to this post in time, but now I need more birthday wine.

A Good Kicking

Today (aged nearly 34) I was given a philosophical and scientific kicking by my 4 year old daughter.  The conversation had somehow got around to chickens and eggs, so I decided to strike a low blow and tried to baffle a little girl.

Me - "So which came first the chicken or the egg?"

Abigail - "The chicken."

Me - "Hah!  But who laid the egg which the chicken hatch from!" (smug face)

Abigail - "The Tyrannosaurus"

Me - (help)

According to Mrs Beek this answer was formulated in her brain by repeatedly watching Chicken Run (the bit with the rats just before and over the end credits) and a fact printed on a cheese string wrapper, which stated "the Tyrannosaurus' closest living relative is the chicken."

At this rate I'm in serious danger of becoming the house dullard, in a few years Mrs Beek and the girls will be sat around reading  the New Scientist and listening to Radio 4, whilst I perform menial tasks wearing a hessian smock and a dunce hat.

My Lunch

Complete the name of the following popular seafood dish;

SCAMPI AND...................

Correct, scampi and CHIPS.  But today the work's canteen was offering scampi and MIXED SALAD! Salad as a garnish, yes.  But an accompanyment?  No, no and thrice no.

If this had happened on Master Chef then Jon and Greg would drag have someone over the coals.

Despite this massive culinary fauxpar I should add both the scampi and the salad were really tasty.

Loose Lips Sink Ships

When I posted the yesterday's statement "Nothing to report" this was in fact a hasty replacement for a previous post which detailed my conversation with a celebrity, unfortunately in my rush for an exclusive I forgot that my work and the events that occur during my working day are bound by a strict confedenciality agreement. Tut, naughty Beek.

So the post was remove.  In fairness the term "conversation" is over egging it a bit, the celebrity was introduced to me and I said "Hello".  But sadly this did also mean having to delete an amazing top 5 list of my favourite celebrities with the same surname as the aforementioned celebrity.

Ho hum, not to worry when the celebrity is named through the proper channels I will re-instate the post for your enjoyment.  In full and uncensored!

This incident did get me thinking though how much of my week is actually available for thinking and doing interesting things that I can report upon in my blog.......

I worked out (using a calcutor) that there were 168 hours in a week and then remove time for being at work, being asleep (I don't have time for dreams I'm too tried) and finally for sitting on the sofa polishing my arse and watching telly.  That left me with 50.5 hours a week (30%) to do interesting stuff which I'm completely free to write about.  "Crap in my hat!" I thought that's not much time, -particularly as this time also has to include all the day to day tasks of modern living.  So enough typing I'm off to look at stuff............... for the next 10 mins then I have to get back to work and the veil of secrecy surrounds me once again.

..........

Nothing to report.